This is the darkest hour of my life.
with every flicker of light from the television on these steep empty walls of my living room I
Realize how empty and fake I really feel.
Washed out.
Over done.
I'm chasing dragons with a stupid smile on my face.
It's all a concept of change and that concept of chance becomes clear to me.
My emptiness is just a state of consciousness; a state, which in reality does not exist.
People manifest and thrust themselves upon me for a reason.
Is it chance?
Is it the chance of meeting?
The chance that one-day you will wake up and notice that your whole world has collapsed before your eyes. If you can believe this is possible then it is only a matter of time before it happens, You know this and yet you can never escape it.
So why does the air line up waiting for my breath to exist?
When chance is born there is no escape.
As I walk I see the people who have chosen to cross my path today.
Their existence comes into my focus.
I look at dark empty windows and I become uneasy and anxious. I want to explode. overwhelming. whats wrong with me? someone make this stop! please. someone.. Helplessness.
I surrender to the feeling, the spinning. the hurting.
I can't escape.
Strange to wish, wishes no longer.
It's strange to see things that once belonged together floating in every direction.
will someone guide me?
I'm trying to figure out the difference between artistic genius and mental illness.
I feel foreign all of the sudden.
Like I'm walking blindfolding in a maze.
hopeless. vital, but in a malevolent fashion.
A Parasite.
If you have fear you must be aware of three things;
You are born alone, you live isolated, and you die alone.
but if we are born alone we should not fear to be alone.
Am I alone?
When I'm confronted with the end of my life will I have the calculative resource to let go of who I was? The trick is to look back on that instead of looking forward and damaging everything in our path.
stop.
rewind. what's wrong with me. I've begun planning my death like a dog.
it's not that I'm afraid to die.
It's that I'm afraid to die without accomplishing anything.
Because of these darkness’s staring at me. I can see my failures.
everyone laughing at me. pointing.
I'm naked in a box. bleeding. wasting space. wasting time.
you are here today,
and gone tomorrow,
without a word.
either way you are here today.
and gone forever.
He left us all for good.
No-one understood.
The chance to change has passed
Over and over again
Procrastination was key
Easy led me here
Time slips from my hands
Into the well of missed opportunity
A vast collection of things neglected
Where one can only wish for their return
Monday, December 12, 2011
Direct Nerve Damage
In mathematics one plus one should equal two. In the natural world, one plus one equals three. These common human mistakes prove our ignorance to the flow, the summits of cosmic fractal patterns that repeat forever and ever, ones that can never be answered in a lab, or on paper, they just continue, like time itself.
The matchbook you were trying to strike was soaked and ruined from the mid summer rain, matted hair and beads of water added to the beauty of your smirk, your infinity ability to penetrate the safety net array I had so cleverly planned out.
You wore a bracelet that said, 'EVOL' and you explained to me that in was love backwards, this was obvious really, but you also explained to me that love is usually a series of backwards events, you don't just walk up to someone and say, “we're in love now.” the sky was lit bright gray and there was a dull roar of thunder miles away, the train platform shined in the gleaming electric light reflections in the pools and puddles, “love is random, its a fractal pattern.” your eyes surveying the sky above, “its based on a series of events that no one can determine or plan, its destiny.” “destiny?” I questioned, “ you really go around believing its all a predetermined life? Nothing is random, or spontaneous? You just live life in the route set for you, like a train stuck on tracks?” your eyes trailed from the sky to the railways in front of you, the sound of passing freight cars on a nearby track added a scene of music and poetry to the moment,
“we all meet, and fall in love, fall out of love, live, die, eat, sleep, go to work, and do whatever we do in our lives because its...its....” she paused. “picture an avalanche, one flake starts it all, moving out into a bigger unstable fissure and eventually the whole side of the mountain is coming down right?” I nod, glancing at my watch and then eyeing the beauty of the exhaust from jets overhead crossing forming grids in the sky, disappearing into the storm clouds to the west, “one day at the beginning of everything, one event, one motion, set in play the avalanche that is today's life.” “action – reaction, right?”
I let out a sigh and silently refused the idea.
The matchbook you were trying to strike was soaked and ruined from the mid summer rain, matted hair and beads of water added to the beauty of your smirk, your infinity ability to penetrate the safety net array I had so cleverly planned out.
You wore a bracelet that said, 'EVOL' and you explained to me that in was love backwards, this was obvious really, but you also explained to me that love is usually a series of backwards events, you don't just walk up to someone and say, “we're in love now.” the sky was lit bright gray and there was a dull roar of thunder miles away, the train platform shined in the gleaming electric light reflections in the pools and puddles, “love is random, its a fractal pattern.” your eyes surveying the sky above, “its based on a series of events that no one can determine or plan, its destiny.” “destiny?” I questioned, “ you really go around believing its all a predetermined life? Nothing is random, or spontaneous? You just live life in the route set for you, like a train stuck on tracks?” your eyes trailed from the sky to the railways in front of you, the sound of passing freight cars on a nearby track added a scene of music and poetry to the moment,
“we all meet, and fall in love, fall out of love, live, die, eat, sleep, go to work, and do whatever we do in our lives because its...its....” she paused. “picture an avalanche, one flake starts it all, moving out into a bigger unstable fissure and eventually the whole side of the mountain is coming down right?” I nod, glancing at my watch and then eyeing the beauty of the exhaust from jets overhead crossing forming grids in the sky, disappearing into the storm clouds to the west, “one day at the beginning of everything, one event, one motion, set in play the avalanche that is today's life.” “action – reaction, right?”
I let out a sigh and silently refused the idea.
wandering
Arrows of time screaming through my mind.
I may not see, but I'm not blind,
That what I search, I will not find.
I am alone on a road of dust,
Running away from my empty past.
Dreaming a future of colorful lines,
Walking ahead, not seeing the signs.
What should I choose?
What will I lose?
Inside my broken shell,
All hurts like hell...
But I knew this too well,
And still I chose the worse
Because my blood is cursed.
And now I close my eyes
To fly to the skies
And fall to the ground,
Nowhere to be bound...
Through heaven and through hell I'm found
Just wandering around...
I may not see, but I'm not blind,
That what I search, I will not find.
I am alone on a road of dust,
Running away from my empty past.
Dreaming a future of colorful lines,
Walking ahead, not seeing the signs.
What should I choose?
What will I lose?
Inside my broken shell,
All hurts like hell...
But I knew this too well,
And still I chose the worse
Because my blood is cursed.
And now I close my eyes
To fly to the skies
And fall to the ground,
Nowhere to be bound...
Through heaven and through hell I'm found
Just wandering around...
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