little thoughts.

This is the darkest hour of my life.

with every flicker of light from the television on these steep empty walls of my parents living room I

Realize how empty and fake I really feel.

Washed out.

Over done.

I'm chasing dragons with a stupid smile on my face.

It's all a concept of change and that concept of chance becomes clear to me.

My emptiness is just a state of consciousness; a state, which in reality does not exist.

People manifest and thrust themselves upon me for a reason.

Is it chance?

Is it the chance of meeting?

The chance that one-day you will wake up and notice that your whole world has collapsed before your eyes. If you can believe this is possible then it is only a matter of time before it happens, You know this and yet you can never escape it.

So why does the air line up waiting for my breath to exist?

When chance is born there is no escape.

As I walk I see the people who have chosen to cross my path today.

Their existence comes into my focus.

I look at dark empty windows and I become uneasy and anxious. I want to explode. overwhelming. whats wrong with me? someone make this stop! please. someone.. Helplessness.

I surrender to the feeling, the spinning. the hurting.

I can't escape.

Strange to wish, wishes no longer.

It's strange to see things that once belonged together floating in every direction.

will someone guide me?

I'm trying to figure out the difference between artistic genius and mental illness.

I feel foreign all of the sudden.

Like I'm walking blindfolding in a maze.

hopeless. vital, but in a malevolent fashion.

A Parasite.

If you have fear you must be aware of three things;

You are born alone, you live isolated, and you die alone.

but if we are born alone we should not fear to be alone.

Am I alone?

When I'm confronted with the end of my life will I have the calculative resource to let go of who I was? The trick is to look back on that instead of looking forward and damaging everything in our path.

stop.

rewind. what's wrong with me. I've begun planning my death like a dog.

it's not that I'm afraid to die.

It's that I'm afraid to die without accomplishing anything.

Because of these darkness’s staring at me. I can see my failures.

everyone laughing at me. pointing.

I'm naked in a box. bleeding. wasting space. wasting time.

you are here today,
and gone tomorrow,
without a word.

either way you are here today.

and gone forever.

He left us all for good.

No-one understood.

The chance to change has passed
Over and over again
Procrastination was key
Easy led me here

Time slips from my hands
Into the well of missed opportunity
A vast collection of things neglected
Where one can only wish for their return